I’m still thinking about change and how to it. I have a plan, but instead of telling you about it, I’ll execute it and show you. It involves many changes. Part of the plan is to formulate some rules, axioms, that I will try to follow. I have come to reluctant conclusion that I’m broken, at least in some ways. Well, perhaps we all are. I’ll just have to make peace with the fact that I can either carry on in the same old ways of before, or follow these rules and live a better — or different — life.
Some of the changes I plan are dramatic, I think. But here at least is a small one, that I’m still to shit-scared to call an axiom: more regular posts and more pictures. Sorry to start on such a low note:
but I discovered that my Canon Powershot A300 is busted. The CCD needs to be replaced. I’m hoping that Canon will do it for free, but we’ll have to see about that. I could have taken out the “real” camera, but part of my plan is to place really low-quality images here. So the above comes from ilves (my MacBook) webcam.
I know that such a picture is disturbing: it upsets us all. But don’t worry. I’m not desperately unhappy or suicidal. I’m not sleep-deprived (at the moment) or having a bi-polar swing. All this change talk is a sign of exactly the opposite. I’m feeling hopeful and I want to take a step back and take a look at the bigger picture of my life. Midlife crisis? Well, perhaps. Not a crisis, but a stock-taking. Some personal performance evaluation. There is change in the air; I can smell it. A little Tennyson comes to mind:
Come, my friends,
‘Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
I believe that change is possible, however difficult.
But your “formulate some rules, axioms, that I will try to follow” sounds to me very much, too much like your old self (wasn’t there some other plan few months ago that you wanted to follow religiously?). I shouldn’t really interfere and I apologise for doing so. I’ve just often wondered, being rather head-ruled myself, if the “engine” that must bring on the change can ever be found through (more) reasoning. Maybe a completely different approach is needed? Sadly, I haven’t found a good one yet.
I honestly don’t know a different way to change. I don’t think I even know this way. You’re right, rules don’t work well for me. But I don’t know if reasoning with myself works either. I have never been very good at “talking” to myself. There seems to be no voice to intervene when I’m about to do something stupid or weak. And I’m very scared of an emotional approach — it would feel too much like religion, I think. Forcing myself to believe that I’m doing the right thing, living the right way, while deep down there is some rational core that is straining to…go the other way, whatever direction it may be.
Look, I am uncertain as to how big the problems are to you that make you feel some kind of change is necessary, but let me tell you, they cannot possibly justify all that self-denigration you do here.
Instead of constantly being completely unhappy about yourself, why not accept yourself for what you are? I mean there are many aspects of your life that you can be very happy about, right? It’s allright to be honest, even brutally honest with yourself, but that doesn’t mean you cannot accept things you cannot change. I mean, we, as people, are who we are. If you want to be someone else all the time, you will just end up being unhappy all the time.
Stupid and weak? Sure, we all are. I am not sure exactly what you are talking about, diet, work, personal life whatever. It really doesn’t matter, either. So you didn’t exercise or you ate unhealthy foods. You watched TV or procrastinated instead of working or going out to meet people. So what?
There are people with serious drinking, gambling or drug problems. If your problems are there, or if you engage in some kind of illegal and/or immediately dangerous activities, like soliciting prostitutes or robbing banks, then perhaps I am wrong. Otherwise, just loosen up and look at you: You are smart, you are pretty good at what you do (at least better than me) and otherwise a very nice guy. And – though I cannot judge such things, but from what I’ve heard – not even that bad looking. So, what’s your problem?
Well, we discussed this earlier today, but just to document it here: Sure I should exercise more and eat more healthily, but my biggest problem is definitely sleep deprivation. As you pointed out, I need to find some rhythm in my daily routine. I’m sorry if I complain too much and I tried to make it clear that I’m not unhappy, I like myself and I’m not hoping to change my “deep” personality. But at the moment I feel that I *have* to rearrange the furniture of my life, just to fix this serious issue. And as far as I can see, this involves a more radical change that I have achieved until now. Moving from the Sahara to Antarctica seems easier to me.
On the other hand, I have to disagree with your suggestion that change is impossible or undesirable. I still believe that people can change fundamentally. I guess that this is the assumption behind many (all?) philosophies of personal growth, something I scoffed at at some point, but which is now looking more attractive to me: if I can change my outlook on life for the better, I’m prepared to sacrifice some (many?) of the superficialities of my life / personality / way of thinking.
I’ve the need to clarify what I was trying to say earlier. I just don’t think you can “plan” change – this would be the rational approach. The emotional, religious, or the esoteric approaches do actually work for some people. But what I was thinking about is the “doing” way, as opposed to the “thinking” way. If you are a very brain-driven person, I bet you’ll sooner than later reach the point where all that self-reflection will just have you turning around like the dog that tries to catch his own tail. My idea of the “doing” approach is that one needs to interrupt this egocentric merry-go-round, perhaps by placing oneself in a situation where the old behavior patterns just won’t work. A situation where action becomes more vital and unescapable than reflection, where other things or people become more important than constant self-appraisal. An example of such a situation could be having a family. Or doing voluntary work at a hospital with a long-term commitment (so one cannot run away when things get unpleasant).
I’m afraid I havent’t clarified much (rambling again…) It can also be that I’ve totally misinterpreted your message, but I’ll excuse myself by pointing out that your original post sounded a bit alarming (didn’t Tiedemies get the same impression?). Remember there are people around that happen to like you just as you are (mostly), and care about you. So. Will you put down your defences and listen, for a change?
I agree with (some of) what you are saying: it is (perhaps) more important to make the change, than just talking or thinking about it. (Well, that’s what the first two sentences of the post also say.) I have to move myself out of my comfort zone and break the old routines, just as you said.
One example of an upcoming move is that my internet at home is being switched off at the end of August. This will force me to work more at the (official) office, and less at home, although I imagine I’ll still be grading essays and marking answer sheets in the comfort of my bed. That is, in fact, where the term “bed sheet” comes from.
(A more fundamental reason for this change is that my current ISP is very, very expensive. My contract expired at the end of July, and I could switch to a new ISP, but there is a possibility that internet prices will drop towards the end of the year, so I’ll make a little experiment and see if I can survive without internet at home.)
But I have some quibbles with what you and T-man has written: I have read my post again and it does not seem too “down” to me. I’m excited about making some changes. At the top of my list is my sleeping routine, but I think it is inevitable that other things will also change. And so it is good opportunity to get some perspective on my life.
I think it is important for me not to get lost in minutiae of daily life. This seems to be the state of affairs at the moment. I sleep and work and am always behind. Well, this happens every year in my teaching term, but this year it seems harder to take. But I don’t want to wake up ten years from now and have only a heap of papers and a list of programs to show for it. I want there to be something more: a set of writings or a photo portfolio or something else altogether that have some more emotional meaning. I want my Gutknecht-style art exhibitions! Oh, Jürg, how I have misjudged you!
But look, tomorrow I might change my mind and say that my “work” is fulfilling enough. I just don’t believe that I can carry on in the same way, at the same level of productivity, with the same level of lack of sleep.
From my perspective I don’t have defenses. I hope I don’t. I’m sorry if I do. But I promise you that I’m not unhappy. I have a wonderful life, and one tremendous source of joy is the knowledge that I have many dear friends. And I like myself. A lot. Remember: Jesus loves you, but I’m his favourite.